You know when you think everything is going right,. and then... it just goes wrong? You know how life turns into a nightmare in the matter of weeks into months into years?

Yeah. We all do.

Some people take the short path and just jump off this train called life.. some people stick with that train until it derails in some midnight mass holocost... I wish I has happy.. but I'm not.. WIshing doesnt make things happen. You do.

Do it.

Right?

Why Can't I? I feel like such a looser that it draws me down. and now. Now I have someone in my life.. and I can't afford to do the things I want for her.. So now I'm stuck up shits creek smoking weed, wondering what the fuck am I doing with my life? Wasting away? Spening my time with people who dont exist? I'm fucking mad. I knew it. I've done lost my fucking mind. Bout time.

but anyways... gramps is still hocked up in the hospital.. he should be home in a couple of weeks,, but he;'s still retarded... can't talk, can't stand, can't be 1/2 tje ,am je ised tp ne/// and now.. the nightmare's comming home.

So Spiral of disaster, when are you to rear your ugly head? When are you to sit there and tell me what the fuck is going on?!? Am I to find everyone dead as I predicted?

I'm over it. I'm over the paramedics, I'm over the funeral home stinky smells and velvet ropes.. I'm over this ritual we call life... It's such a drag through the mud.. You rise.. and even if you do touch the sky.. you're gonna fall... never to fly again. You hack it.. then you can't. You cough it.. you die it. Sometimes you got it, sonetimes you dont, sometimes you want it, sometimes you won\t

Needless to say.. I'm the startving artist here... living on bolonga sandwiches hoping that somehow.. my life will get better.. it's like this long drawn out nightmare in which I'm the last one.. the last howard.. and I'm happy with it... this family is psycho... and still waters run deep.. I'm glad to be here on the calm before the storm.. I'm glad to smell the salty air of my hometown.. so much life has been lived here... and I.. I am yet just a speck in this universe of possibility.. what is my purpose? am I to die unknown like the billions around and under me?

Yeah. I am. and I'm fucken fine with it.

I'm no superstar in a fancy car.. I'm no television slut selling soda and jeans..
I have a means and ways to end all these bucknaked mtv dreams..

I have me. Me myself and I.. my god my love my own.. my life.. under this sky.

I have you.. to listen to , to grow wish and chersish.. and without you.. I know I'd perish.
I'm a person.. a lost soul in the sea of this.. and you, are the only thing I'd come to miss.

For you're the reason I'm here.. I want to state in this record clear...
You are the love of my life, my guiding star..
I'll be with you where ever you are..
I'll drive the ends of the universe for just your smile
so I think on this planet.. I'm gonna have to stay a while..

I was suicidal.. wanted to spletter tha greymatter cold..
I couldnt stand the thought of just growing old..
I wanted to escape this hell, I've made my home..
and with you around now.. I can't say I'm all alone.


Someone just kill me please..
I'll give you the address if you need it... but I'd prefer a professional hit team.. yah, know, like Boondock saints... bust through the ceiling and shit... or I should say bad television..

and then have a party in my honor...

smoke my weed, drink my booze.. Fuck it. and this life. I dont need it anymore.

Sheesh.

Such mixed emotions...

Needless to say, I;m spent. so spent.. I dont even care about spellcheck.. sorry.