I've made it a year now from the death of my grandfather..
and everything's been surreal.

Had a dream I was down at the ocean swimming. I could feel the bottom of the ocean.. and it felt greasy. I jumped off the deck and could feel the salty water sticking to me like sand on wet skin. I backstroked.. but lil kids kept getting in my way. It was bizarre to say the least... oh.. and the sky.. It looked like an overcast sunrise.. but it felt sunny.

I've been trying to keep the gramma happy.. just cuz I know how this stuff has all effected me. I just think.. wow.. a year.. it doesnt feel that long.. but then again, I guess that's the point of life... makes it easier to single out situations.. makes it easy for you to remember something like that.

Not to mention.. it's proabbly been a good year since I really spent alot of time creating poetry.. I picked up a notebook last night.. but I wrote nothing but shit. I dont think I've ever been good thinking when Im writing with a pen. Give me a keyboard and I can at least keep up with my mind.. a pen.. just slows me down so much.

I dunno anymore.. my lifes been a rollercoaster.. I thought I had finally found a great job.. but honestly. this job sucks too. I dont make enuff money to survive.. so at this point.. I'm kinda like fucked. I never make an excess.. just running from check to check. Night to night.

I miss adventure. I miss being on the road, having a purpose. Haveing a form of drive. Going somewhere.
I should be a truck driver. at least that's a job that takes you places. LoL.
My dad's a truck driver. Ole' Crankin Frank. I miss him alot. He's not doing so well either.

I'm all tore up inside.. I feel like I just constantly stab myself in the heart everychance I get. Like Life doesnt have enuff pain to dish out.. I just have to think about it more.

I found that it's usually easier to remain oblivious to things now. Just keep it outta sight outta mind.
I miss love.
I miss my old friends.
and now? Now Im just left with these memories of things in the past. Sometimes I think about them and laugh. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to being a kid. Cuz this.. all this is just a nightmare fading into midnight.. waiting for the sunrise.. I could use some sunshine.

I sat in an afterhours club last night.. just feeling dead inside.. looking around at these people I dont even want to know.. just happy I had a chair to sit in and drink myself sleepy.

I used to wonder why my dad tried to drink himself to death.. I blamed it alot on his breaking off from the hard stuff.. they say alky is a natural trade off for H heads.
I like it cuz it makes me happy.

I had someone ask me if I was a mean drunk... and I've never been one.. One night, I can think of.. but it really didnt have much to do with drinking, that was a situation that was going to happen regardless.

I dont think I could drink myself to death.. but I dunno. I think that life alone can kill me. Not drinking.
I just hope Im in a car when it happens...and it's not my fault. so at least my grandma will get that vacation she didnt get in 50 years. Horrible trade off, I know. but, if I gotta go, I hope she gets something that I couldnt give to her... a big fat wad of cash.

I know I keep comming off as whiney and depressed.. I dunno.. I guess I just feel like I've slighted myself.. so I'm a lil apathetic about the whole thing.. and I guess venting here is about the only way I can really talk about this stuff to myself..
thinking that it's informing you.. when really.. it's informing me.

When I get locked up and they throw away the key. I'll write my story for the world.. since I'll be convicted of my crimes..I can share them all with you. In book form. So you'll buy it.

I used to think there wasen't anything wrong with me. But now. Now I'm not in denial.

Oh I've been busy.. too busy to keep up with alot of things..

It's been a long time since I sat down and wrote anything in here.. I've just been so busy with
www.GreasyGrandma.Com and making shirts.. I've been selling a few.. been pretty happy to know that I'm producing stuff people like enuff to buy...

I think since my grandfather died on the 2nd of july.. I just havent wanted to share my feelings.. I've been pretty depressed.. been trying to keep myself busy with handiwork and other various things I've been messing with...
I've been working on two books.. one of short stories.. and another information booklet.. I dont know if I'll complete these two things, since I still have two screenplays sitting in limbo..
I dunno.. I mean sometimes I feel like writing.. but it's easier for me to work on other stuff that trying to round out characters and figure out exactly what I want the story to say...
I think that's been the hardest for me.. making up fiction with a point... I can jumble a whole bunch of events... but I need to learn how to add soul to a story..

I havent written poetry in months.. mainly stories.. I'll see what I can share here sooner or later..

Love.

A

From Soumdi And Carolina
Abidjan,Cote D'Ivoire
West African.

Dear Sir /Madam
We wish to solicit your help in migrating to your country, we are Soumdi And Carolina Bakary, we are the children of Late General Alexandre Bakary the former Director of military inteligence and special acting General Manager of the Sierra Leone Diamond mining coperation(SLDMC ). We are contacting you to seek for your good assistance to transfer and invest USD 9.5 million belonging to our late father which was deposited in a bank in Abidjan Cote d' ivoire. This money is revenues from solid minaral and dimonds sale which were under my fathers possession before the civil war broke out.
Following the brake out of the war, almost all government offices,
coperations and parastatals were attacked and vandalized. The SLDMC was loothed and burnt down to ashes, and diamonds worth millions of dollars was stolen by the rebel military forces who attacked my fathers office. Many top government officials and senior army officers were assasinated and my father was a key target because of his very sensitive military possition and appointment in the SLDMC.
Regreatably, my father was captured and murdered along with our half brother in *cool* blood during a mid night rebel shoot-out when our official residence in freetown was armbushed by Fordey Sanko the notorious rebel leader. My mother sustainded very sever bullet injuries which resulted to her untimely and painful death in a private hospital here in Ivory Coast. Now we are alone in a totally strange country without parents, relatives or any body to care for us at our tender ages. Before our mother died, she told us that our father deposited some money which he made from diamond sales and contracts at the bank here in Ivory Coast and that we should pray and find a trust worthy and God fearing business partner who would help us to transfer and invest this money in profitable business venture overseas. She told us to do this quickly so that we can leave Ivory Coast with our cousin brother-Arthur who is here in the camp with us and, then settle down abroad. She gave us all the bank documents to prove the deposit and then told us that my father used my name as the only son to deposit the money in the bank.She told us that this is the reason why we came to Cote D'Ivoire.

My mother died afterwards. May her spirit rest in perfect peace. I have gone to the bank to make inquires about this money and I spoke with the director of International remittance who assured me that the everything is intact and promised to help me transfer this money to my foreign partners bank account However, the director is very concerned because of my age, I am 24 years and as such promised to help me and he would like to speak with my partner to ensure that this money i invested wisely in only profitable business because of his personal interest and sympathy for me. If you are will to assist us, please let us know immediately and provide us with your following information
(1). Your full names and address,telephone/ fax numbers(2)photo of your self. Please note that I can only offer you 25% of the total money as compensation for your noble assistance in accodiance with my mothers advise. I am interested in any profitable commercial venture which you consider very good in your country and you would also get a school for me,my little sister and cousin so that we can finish our college education because this is a promised I gave to my late
mother before her death.

I am hoping to hear your urgent response so that we can proceed,
Thank you and may God bless ,

Yours sincerely
Soumdi And Carolina

------------------------------------------

Faites un voeu et puis Voila ! www.voila.fr

Does this sound like an evil plot to get 9 mil in the country or what?

Am I the only one who gets these things?

Land of the Lost

Welcome to Hell..
We've had your name for years now..
Welcome to where you dwell
We've done everything, anyhow..

Welcome to your new home..
We've spuced it up for you...
Welcome to where you're all alone..
since you'd end up here, You always knew..

NIghtmares come to life, right before your eyes
So kill your wife, and wait for the surprise..

It'll take years of pain to amount to your cost
So welcome my friend.. to the land of the lost.

Family Tree Main Page
Yea!!! One of my favorite local bands just got their new website up... good band... better than freddy jackson and sexual chocolate!

What women want... the not so-secrets...

You know, I see alot of guys out there wondering what the hell women want... I'll tell you...

Security is prime.. They want to know you can take care of it.
Communication .. They want to know how you feel about it.
Domineering .. They want you to be in conrol of it.
Loving touch .. They want to feel loved.

you cover these 4 things with your girl and you will be able to sleep
at nights. there's alot of other things you can do to.. be selfless for one.. since it's all about her...also, be yourself.. even if your silly and retarded.. it's more heartfelt.. and finally.. tell her how she makes you feel all the time.. be it compliments, or just a kiss..
for, if she's the one you're supposed to be with the rest of your life.. you better appriciate all the crap she puts up with in dealing with your sorry ass... there's a million guys out there who'd trade a nut for your place.. so be happy.. and make her happy along the way.

Pop Quiz on friday.

You know when you think everything is going right,. and then... it just goes wrong? You know how life turns into a nightmare in the matter of weeks into months into years?

Yeah. We all do.

Some people take the short path and just jump off this train called life.. some people stick with that train until it derails in some midnight mass holocost... I wish I has happy.. but I'm not.. WIshing doesnt make things happen. You do.

Do it.

Right?

Why Can't I? I feel like such a looser that it draws me down. and now. Now I have someone in my life.. and I can't afford to do the things I want for her.. So now I'm stuck up shits creek smoking weed, wondering what the fuck am I doing with my life? Wasting away? Spening my time with people who dont exist? I'm fucking mad. I knew it. I've done lost my fucking mind. Bout time.

but anyways... gramps is still hocked up in the hospital.. he should be home in a couple of weeks,, but he;'s still retarded... can't talk, can't stand, can't be 1/2 tje ,am je ised tp ne/// and now.. the nightmare's comming home.

So Spiral of disaster, when are you to rear your ugly head? When are you to sit there and tell me what the fuck is going on?!? Am I to find everyone dead as I predicted?

I'm over it. I'm over the paramedics, I'm over the funeral home stinky smells and velvet ropes.. I'm over this ritual we call life... It's such a drag through the mud.. You rise.. and even if you do touch the sky.. you're gonna fall... never to fly again. You hack it.. then you can't. You cough it.. you die it. Sometimes you got it, sonetimes you dont, sometimes you want it, sometimes you won\t

Needless to say.. I'm the startving artist here... living on bolonga sandwiches hoping that somehow.. my life will get better.. it's like this long drawn out nightmare in which I'm the last one.. the last howard.. and I'm happy with it... this family is psycho... and still waters run deep.. I'm glad to be here on the calm before the storm.. I'm glad to smell the salty air of my hometown.. so much life has been lived here... and I.. I am yet just a speck in this universe of possibility.. what is my purpose? am I to die unknown like the billions around and under me?

Yeah. I am. and I'm fucken fine with it.

I'm no superstar in a fancy car.. I'm no television slut selling soda and jeans..
I have a means and ways to end all these bucknaked mtv dreams..

I have me. Me myself and I.. my god my love my own.. my life.. under this sky.

I have you.. to listen to , to grow wish and chersish.. and without you.. I know I'd perish.
I'm a person.. a lost soul in the sea of this.. and you, are the only thing I'd come to miss.

For you're the reason I'm here.. I want to state in this record clear...
You are the love of my life, my guiding star..
I'll be with you where ever you are..
I'll drive the ends of the universe for just your smile
so I think on this planet.. I'm gonna have to stay a while..

I was suicidal.. wanted to spletter tha greymatter cold..
I couldnt stand the thought of just growing old..
I wanted to escape this hell, I've made my home..
and with you around now.. I can't say I'm all alone.


Someone just kill me please..
I'll give you the address if you need it... but I'd prefer a professional hit team.. yah, know, like Boondock saints... bust through the ceiling and shit... or I should say bad television..

and then have a party in my honor...

smoke my weed, drink my booze.. Fuck it. and this life. I dont need it anymore.

Sheesh.

Such mixed emotions...

Needless to say, I;m spent. so spent.. I dont even care about spellcheck.. sorry.

Wow.. It's been a long time kiddo's...

I've had to take a break from writing as much... posting as much.. and basically hanging out online...

Yep.. I've got a girl... been with her over two months now.. and I am in love.. she makes my heart swell up.. and makes my head swim in a sea of emotions...

I don't know where to start or finish with her... cept, she's the best thing to happen to me in a long time...

Well what else, huh?

Well I've started two t-shirt stores... Hopeing things are going to go well on that front...

Once I feel it's up to par, I'll post the address on here... I'm working on getting a site specific name for the site instead of working it through CafePress.. but I dunno if it's really worth the money at this point... I might not even sell a shirt..

I did some writing on Pathetic... http://www.pathetic.org/library.php?i_memberid=2646
I've also created a new library for my stories and mythology from the street... I figure some of them would be good reads...

Well folks.. I'll update this as soon as I get a chance... really.. it's just I've had so much going on, I havent really thought you all would miss me at all... I feel like I'm just talking to myself in here... but I dunno.. We'll see.

Dankmojojojo@hotmail.com